Talk to someone in the same boat about...
Anonymous
Divorce

Parents Split Up - Totally Unexpected

Hi,

My parents split up just over 2 months ago which came as a total shock to me, I didn't see it coming at all, as far as I knew they were fine. There were no obvious signs no arguments, no distance or issues that could of put strain on their relationship and they've always supported each other through everything. The night before they broke up they were snuggled on the sofa watching TV together, both happy.

I came home from school to find my mum inconsolable saying that my dad had left, she was too upset to say why. I didn't hear from my dad for more then 12 hours until he called me the next day.

To this day I still don't know why they have broken up and they refuse to speak to each other. I don't know if it's because they are trying to protect me and my younger siblings or what but I feel like I need to know. Not all the details but a plain, simple reason would be nice!

My younger brother who's 13 is rebelling, pushing every boundery possible by skipping school, smoking, getting detentions. I really worried he'll end up getting suspended or worse. Thankfully my little sister who's 11 is adapting really well and is taking it all in her stride, as long as she sees both my parents she's ok.

I'm really trying to be patient with both my parents but my frustration anxiety is getting worse. I was wondering if his was normal? Should I not know why for my own sanity? Or is there anyone here who has separated/divorced parents and like me have no answers? I can't help but feel this will go on forever.
1 Like 1 4 Views

1 Comment

Sort by:
Please Login to leave a comment.
ChrisM
2
Hello, I am by no means an expert and this is simply my experience for you to understand. But I have been through a divorce as well. Separation started around grade 4 and was in full swing by grade 5.

Even though this was a very long time a go, I still don't believe I know the real answer. In my mind it has become clearer over time that it is most likely that they simply wanted different things as they themselves grew up and matured. People continue to change throughout their entire lives and as they change so do their wants and needs. These may not necessarily line up with each other at all times. While some couples live with it, work it out, or ignore it, others make a decision to move on and seek greener pastures.

It was difficult for me as the eldest of two boys. We stayed with Mum. I blamed myself. Maybe I could have been a better son. I cried myself to sleep many many times. That faded off. Dad was not far away for the first year or so before moving to another city with his new partner and then wife. We moved between parents over the years.

My younger brother was certainly protected by me, but did not know how to handle it and definitely had similar issues to what your experiencing. It was very difficult. My brother did get suspended from school in the end but there was more to it than the separation, divorce, shuffling between parents, etc.

Supporting each other is the key. Sometimes your parents want a hug, sometimes they may want to talk and that can be very uncomfortable for you. My suggestion is to sit and listen, no need to comment, no need to to take too much in, nor analyse it. I feel they may be trying to work it out in their own mind as they do it.

Overall, and this is really tough to deal with, I worked it out over time that it was not about me. I felt it may have been at the time. In fact, the reason things lasted so long are most likely because of you. This was my case for sure. However, a tipping point may come and then they have to act, even knowing how much pain it will cause themselves and those they love.

You are not alone. If you can talk to friends, family, or a support line please do. I am not from any of those places for you, but happy to listen.

I do want to pass on one more piece of personal experience you may encounter soon - the divorced Christmas. The upcoming Christmas period could be very tough on you and your siblings. Of course for your parents as well. If they are still apart you may find you have to shuffle between both sides of the family. Whereas in the past you would all have gone to one side of the relatives and then the other. Christmas can become a major event because you might have to do all you did prior with your Mother's side. And then later that day or even on Boxing day, you might end up doing it all again on your Father's side. It was great for extra presents. It was difficult being with people knowing they know what is happening and things don't feel whole. It does get easier, but maybe not less tiring.

I wish you all the very best for you and your siblings. Of course your parents too. There are many people out there going through a similar experience as you. Some know why, others don't. Please don't feel you are on your own.